The man who talks too much
The story:
Steve was a member of one of my coaching groups. He is a handsome man in his 40's, married +3, working in a Hi-Tec company as a department Manager.
In our group sessions, whenever he participated in the conversation, he took a shift from the main issue, and I had to stop him in order to turn back to the issue we were discussing.
Let me explain: Steve has a pattern of getting into too many details, to repeat the same in different words, to shift from the main story to some side stories, to bring irrelevant details into those secondary stories, and until he gets back to the point, you feel exhausted. As a listener you have to concentrate and give your full attention in order to understand what he is really saying. Furthermore, he tends to be a 'time stealer'...
At our 8th meeting, on the 'Hot Chair' sat another member of the group, and the subject was management issues.
Steve, that felt very much experienced on this subject, tried to give his advice. This time I did not stop him, even though he was very scattered as usual, and couldn't get to the point. I tried leading him to the point, whenever he moved away. It took several minutes (5-7 min), and then we moved forward and continued with the session.
A day after I got a phone call from two of the group members.
One said, apologizing, that he thinks I gave Steve too much stage, and I should not let him speak so much (Note: actually, he spoke only few minutes from 2.5 hours session). That he is so tiring, and it seems that he has Low Self confidence...
The other said that Steve is so tiring, since he cannot differentiate between the main and the insignificant.
What did I think about Steve after this session? I thought that since Steve needs to give long explanations, many details and repetitions, he must be holding the paradigm 'They do not understand me' which it was probably fixed in early childhood...
The question:
What can we learn about ourselves from this situation?
Analysis:
The importance in this case-study is not to criticize Steve but to see him as a reflection, and to realize that although all of us were present at the same situation, heard the same thing, saw the same facts, we did not see the same reflection.
Steve got us all impatient and tired, but each saw or emphasized different character. This is not just semantic...
One saw Low Self Confidence,
The other saw disability to distinguish between main and insignificant. (This person is actually the opposite. He is 'too much' focused and has no patient for small details.)
And me, I admit that sometime I do feel "they do not understand me" since a lot of times I see things differently than most people...
Conclusion & Action:
The three reflections are very close and related.
More than that, there could be other explanations like:
The paradigm that "More is better";
Passive-Aggressive pattern, that forces people to pay attention;
ADHD or ADD disorders;
Anxiety and confusion when speaking in public.
Some of those explanations could be true for Steve. But for us, what is important is the 'Mirror reflection' that relevant to us.
What should we do?
We should be more aware of our own character that was revealed here through the reflection and try to change it if we choose...
For Steve, I took the next meeting to bring this subject out to the open and give Steve the feedback. Steve should be aware of the impact he has on his listeners, to be aware of his irrelevant paradigms, and start practicing new communication skills.
This is the subject he should be focusing now in his life, before anything else, since his current communication pattern holds him back...
